95% of the world’s population rely on coffee to keep them out of jail.
That’s according to a new survey conducted by some overpaid dickhead that works in one of the local universities.
Brian Bighead told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We had to justify our $3bn funding so we thought we’d run a survey about coffee. We asked 100 people if they use coffee to keep themselves within the law and out of jail and 95 of them said ‘yes’. That means that 95% of the people we asked answered ‘yes’ to our question.
“We sent our findings to our team who put together the results in a fancy Powerpoint presentation. We then showed this fancy Powerpoint presentation to a bunch of people who didn’t really care but thankfully, we were able to bank our $3bn bursary and we then all went out down the pub and got shitfaced."
The results show that many people in the country are possibly addicted to having a coffee first thing in the morning.
“I’d like to say that our survey was ground-breaking but to be honest, I just asked all my mates. Except they aren’t really my mates because I don’t have any mates. But you know what I mean, right?" added Bighead.
“Next week, we’ll be asking lads whether they like having their balls tickled. It’ll be interesting to see what the outcome of that survey is.”
